The BIFF method is a way to reply to an angry or accusing message. BIFF stands for Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm.
You get a message from the other parent. There is a reproach in it about something from the past, or a comment about something that happens when the children are with you. It gets to you and you want to write something back straight away.
The BIFF method helps you not to respond to every reproach and still answer clearly.
You can read more about BIFF below, with an example.
BIFF was devised by Bill Eddy, an American lawyer and mediator. He co-founded the High Conflict Institute and developed the method for dealing with people who are quick to get into conflict. It is often used after a separation.
Say you get this message:
You are late with Tom’s things again. Typical, you only think about yourself.
A first reaction might be:
I am not late at all. We agreed the bag would be by the front door at 6pm. Typical of you, you never pay attention to what we agree.
With BIFF it becomes:
Hi, Tom’s bag will be ready by the front door at 6pm, as agreed. Best, Mark
It does not matter whether you are right, even though that is sometimes what makes it hard. You would like to point out that the reproach makes no sense. With BIFF you only mention the arrangement and you leave the reproach alone.
BIFF helps with a message that has a question in it and a reproach around it. You answer the question without taking on the reproach.
BIFF is not meant for a real conversation. If you want to discuss something big, such as a move or a new school, it is better to talk it through together, or with a mediator.
If you feel threatened or unsafe, BIFF is not the answer. In the Netherlands, call Veilig Thuis on 0800 2000.
No, but it does resemble yellow rock.
With grey rock you give back as little as possible, so the other person has nothing to react to. That is different from BIFF, because with BIFF you simply answer.
Yellow rock is closer: replying briefly, clearly and in a friendly way, without being cold. That is almost the same as what BIFF says.
The difference is in what they are. Yellow rock is an attitude, namely how you position yourself towards a parent who seeks conflict. BIFF is a recipe for one message: four things to go through before you press send. So you can do yellow rock and write your message using the BIFF method.
BeNice has the Feedback Coach. It reads your message before you send it and works along the lines of the BIFF method. If there is a reproach or sarcasm in the message you have written, you get a suggested improvement in BIFF form. You choose whether to use the suggestion or send your own text after all. Threats, intimidation and pure insults with nothing else in them cannot be sent in BeNice.
On the other side there is the Filter. The Filter protects you from sharp incoming messages. You then read a calm version that keeps the message itself. If you do want to read the original, press and hold the filtered message and open the unfiltered version.
For Brief, Informative, Friendly and Firm.
Yes. You do not need the other parent for it, because it is about how you reply.
Not always, but usually. The longer your answer, the more you give the other person to react to.
In BeNice you can. The Feedback Coach makes a suggestion and you choose. You can read more in the frequently asked questions.
Sources: Bill Eddy and the High Conflict Institute, which he founded in 2008 together with Megan Hunter. The book about BIFF for separated parents is BIFF for CoParent Communication (2020).
You’re not alone
Start today and experience the positive change in parenting together: calmer conversations, clearer agreements and everything in one place.
Try BeNice free for 7 days. You both get 7 extra days free as soon as the other parent joins your family circle. No commitment, feel the calm.
